Growing up, one’s teachers would make or break your schooling experience. At that age, it can be easy to forget, or perhaps not even realize that these people in positions of authority are, well, just people at the end of the day. So naturally, they are also going to have a whole host of things they keep to themselves while on the job.

Someone asked “Teachers, what is a secret you don’t want your students to know?” and people shared their wildest stories. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and, if you are also a teacher, add your own thoughts in the comments below.

#1

I occasionally pray for some students not to show up to give myself half of a chance that day. Legitimate prayers.

Image credits: nhill021793

#2

After meeting your parents, 90% of the time I think, “The apple didn’t fall far from the tree.” It’s not necessarily good or bad, but you’re probably more like your parents than you realize.

Image credits: estrogyn

#3

I grade drunk all the time.

lafleurcynique:

Yyyeeeeepppp. The only way to get through all the hours after work we spend working for no pay.

Image credits: theothercorfu

#4

I reeeaally don’t want them knowing I still live with my Mum. Some of my students have already moved out of their parents place, I’d lose all sense of authority if they knew.

Image credits: Zorthax7

#5

On most homework assignments, we spend maybe 30 seconds grading each one. We have trained ourselves to look for certain keywords in each assignment and also length. Frankly, it is mindnumbing and very repetitive work, very boring and most people aren’t that different.

Image credits: Samseaster

#6

They think we don’t know how to party. I prefer it stays that way. Especially when I teach grade that are old enough to go out. I don’t want them to see me pretty drunk showing off my best s******r moves on a dance floor. And I don’t want to see theirs.

Image credits: aydyl

#7

How much I actually hate my job.

When I do not having someone look over my shoulder and critiquing my every action I love what I do because I’m good at it. Sadly those times are becoming few and far between as education becomes less about having students learn and more about having them walk away with a mark.

It is a system that is destroying the creative, enabling the lazy, and encouraging the mediocre to remain so.

There are days when I truly wonder if I would have been happier as a lawyer….then one of those selfish bastards succeeds at something they have been struggling with and sincerely thank me and I’m back at work the next day.

Image credits: adorablesexypants

#8

My grades were s**t and I failed most of my GCSE exams. Luckily, US colleges don’t care about your grades in your first two years of high school. I now teach GCSE Economics. I never even took GCSE Economics. Fake it till you make!!!

Image credits: LeTr4p0

#9

No longer a teacher, but…

You have no idea how EASY it is to get a teaching degree (in the US). There are almost certainly teachers in any given school who skated through college but really shouldn’t be qualified to teach.

Image credits: heyrainyday

#10

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Image credits: Bfloteacher

#11

Most of what we say, are empty threats(calling parents,going to the principle, write ups). Either the administration won’t do anything, we don’t want to do the paper work, or we haven’t done enough paperwork to get anything done.

Image credits: jhilto1

#12

I tell all my students that they could all be top students if they tried. That’s totally not true. But the reality is that this lie gets a few of them to actually try, and this causes them to perform better and learn better than if they actually knew the truth. Because learning is something like 80% effort and 20% genes. So I lie. And I’m glad that little Susie is getting a B in math instead of the F she would otherwise have gotten; but please don’t take math in college.

Image credits: CanadianFalcon

#13

Middle school Theatre teacher here. I work in a school of the arts, and everyone is so obnoxious on how talented they think they are.

On a near-daily basis, all anyone wants to do is improv. Except, everyone sucks at it. Like, badly. As in they’ll stand there for a minute thinking of what to say.

Then they’ll get down and be like “THAT WAS AWESOME!” Nobody really understands why I hate doing that with kids.

Image credits: FireSpiderGuy

#14

For helper tasks (taking lunch count, attendance to office, etc.), we choose badly behaved kids, not well behaved ones. Gives us a break from them, and gives them less time destroying things in the classroom.

rocketpunk:

I have a friend who was (and still is) a little adhd maniac, and her teachers would make her their “special helper” and have her run notes to other teachers several times a day. The notes just said, “pass it on”, so they’d all just send her back and forth to keep her busy. It made her feel happy and special and she thought it was hilarious when she found out the truth years later.

Image credits: Hey_Listen_WatchOut

#15

At the beginning of each course, I have to memorize a lot of names in a very short period of time. Usually I do this by making notes next to each name in my attendance list. Some of said notes could probably get me fired if anyone found out. Recent examples include “Asian pit stains” and “skinny Drew Carey.”

If someone (or something) doesn’t remind me that I assigned homework, I probably won’t remember at least half of the time.

I absolutely have favorite students, and I also have students who make me praise the heavens that I never have to see them again when they leave class for the last time. If you don’t make my life and job any harder than they have to be, I’m more likely to be lenient and helpful. The reverse is true, too.

I walk in unprepared and totally wing lessons *way* more often than my students know. There is about a 90% chance that whatever fun, creative grammar game we played any given week was actually pulled out of my a*s on the drive to work that morning.

Image credits: anon

#16

We fart and blame it on you.

Image credits: reed12321

#17

Before I started dating their French teacher I was hooking up with their Math teacher… A year before that I was with their Grade 6 teacher…

Image credits: Snuffy1717

#18

As a soccer coach, I have to hide the fact that as a former player, I was everything in the opposite of what I preach and teach. EVERYTHING.

Image credits: JIPIDIAZ

#19

That, unfortunately yes, more than half the things I teach you you will not use in real life. But we have to teach to the exam. Sorry.

Image credits: Harshipper88

#20

That time I said I didn’t grade your test because I was too busy/tired? Yeah, I was actually raiding with my guild.

Image credits: anon

#21

My mom’s a teacher, and she has favourite students.

Edit: This is probably not a secret, but teachers don’t really admit it.

Image credits: anonymousvoice7

#22

I’ve copulated with the good looking science teacher right on the table where you sharpen your pencil.

Image credits: FUNwithaCH

#23

When the test is printed in two colors, it doesn’t mean there are two versions of the test. We want you to think that so you are less likely to cheat.

Image credits: dr-mustachecat

#24

I keep track of which students to make sure I am never alone with for safety concerns. There really are students out there that you know are going to hurt people, badly, one day when they’re older and bigger. I teach middle school and elementary school, and am very grateful that I don’t teach high school.

Image credits: NihilisticHobbit

#25

I didn’t grade any of my students’ final exams, just gave them whatever grade they had on their class at that point.

Image credits: BlindFox98

#26

When you teach university classes, especially if you’re not that much older than your students, you have a couple of crushes in every class. I had some last year when I started, and now, I have some more.

Image credits: alksreddit

#27

It’s not movie day, it’s hangover day. So shut up and watch the movie while we sit quietly in the dark for the next hour.

Image credits: SonicPlacebo

#28

I’ve banged one of their moms.

I’ve also changed answers on entrance exams to help the kids get into our private school. (Only if they were 1-2 questions off, multiple choice)

Image credits: Maniacboy888

#29

I’m nervous about letting my students know anything about my political views. I also don’t really want them to find out I’m bi. I work in a place where information spreads very quickly, and I wouldn’t want to deal with parents upset that their students are being taught by someone who actually has political and sexual ideas, lol.

Image credits: CranberryTaboo

#30

Not a teacher but…

I run into a disproportionately large number of teachers and other education-related employees at swinger parties.

It’s a running joke that if school districts were to crack down on district employees (including teachers) who are in the lifestyle, they’d have to get rid of something like a third of their staff.

Image credits: OneAndOnlyJackSchitt

#31

I might have had a one night stand with a student’s single mother…….

#32

That the kids of coaches, principals, and school board members *are* treated differently than the rest of you. Unfair, and I hate it, but it is true, at least at my school.

#33

I’m a hardcore video gamer.

#34

Teachers gossip about each other AND the students way more than the students do about themselves. It’s basically a form of free entertainment.

#35

That I was an absolute s**t student. I had s**t grades and I was always in trouble with most teachers and the principal. I had a lot of issues growing up, but I loved philology and wanted to study it, plus the prospect of teaching always seemed appealing to me. In fact, I think having been “one of those kids” growing up has helped me to connect with some of my more problematic students.

Of course, I have never confided this in any of my students, even when speaking to them personally. I am not a fool, I know how it would spread like the plague across the entire school within a day, probably with added exaggerated details, too.

#36

Probably what a total f*****g mess I am sometimes. That I have so many issues and don’t really feel like an adult. That I am probably under qualified to teach the specific subject that I teach. That I engage in a lot of activities that teachers are supposed to advise their students not to. That I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

#37

When i say i’ve been too busy to grade their tests it’s almost always b******t.

#38

I tell my 2nd graders that I can tell if they are lying by reading their tongues. I catch a couple kids in some flat out lies in they beginning of the year and then they buy into it. Eventually, the liars refuse to stick out their tongues. And, my initial lie does the work for me…

#39

Caught my health teacher smoking out by the cafeteria doors after a lesson on how cigarettes are bad for you.

#40

Most of the decisions I make aren’t truly my own, and are simply made by the board of ed. Most of the time I hate the way I have to teach and want them to know we are on the same page that this sucks.

#41

That while appearing to be a very high-functioning academic, I was in fact a hard-drinking, pot-smoking, rock-n-roll playing madman. I had many roles on the campus I worked at, and most people didn’t know what I did in my spare time, other teachers included.

#42

…there are dumb questions.

#43

I know all your secrets. You aren’t as quiet or subtle as you think. I know which teachers you like and dislike, which boy you have a crush on, the unfortunate and often disturbing details of your s*x life, what you did on the weekend, and some rather depressing details of your home life. Pretty much all of it is interesting, most of it funny, some of it soul crushing.

#44

Soooooo many.. let me make a list. For reference, I teach 1st grade.
1) I definitely have favorites – I definitely don’t dislike anyone, which is nice, but some stand out more than most.
2) I am softer on the dummies – Okay, dummies isn’t a nice term, but I feel more compassion for the slower kids.
3) I do try to fix the books – By this I mean, I try to make it so that everyone wins at SOMETHING throughout the year so no one is sad.
4) I definitely care if they like me – If a kid says they don’t like me, I totally try to play it cool and say I am here to teach, not to make friends. Secretly, I die a little inside and am usually thinking about it all week long.
5) I am bluffing about telling your parents – Usually tattling on your parents is a waste of time. Where do you think you got that attitude from? Its a total bluff.

#45

I lost my virginity in my high school bathroom 😫 now I pray my students have more self respect than I did!

#46

That I am just as nervous on the first day of school as they are.

#47

College professor here:

When I say, “I want to get some other people into the conversation”, I’m not doing it to get varied class participation and make the class more student centered…I just want the kid who never shuts the f**k up to shut the f**k up.

Seriously kid, I get it, you have opinions. Try shoving some of them up your a*s and see how that feels. This isn’t your one man show, and the stakes aren’t that particularly high.

#48

I’m not a teacher but I took an English class in college and after the first few essays I noticed my score was a constant 95. At the end of the semester my teacher admitied once she knew a student did good work she only read the introduction. I want to know if that was a one time thing or do teachers do this pretty frequently?

#49

Two things:
1. Almost everything you learn in college is either useless or could be learnt on the job under the tutelage of a good mentor; and
2. The main purpose of education is not to help you learn, but rather act as a filtering mechanism for people, in order to pump out competent, obedient workers (i.e. job market signalling).

Of course, there are other, more positive aspects to the college experience. Maybe it’s different for other majors. I don’t know. But after almost 10 years of teaching undergrad engineering, this is what stands out for me the most :-(.

#50

I have no idea what I’m talking about. I just got hired as a JH/HS school teacher at a private school and am teaching history, lit, and formal logic. I have two degrees (BA and MS) in poli sci. I’ve taken enough history classes to be good there but I have next to no experience in the others. Lit is easy to fake but logic my only advantage is I can figure out the textbook faster than them and I have the teacher’s edition.

Edit: I should say the administration is aware of this and not concerned. It would be next to impossible to find someone qualified in everything I teach so there is learning curve for every new teacher.I’ll be fine in future years–this stuff comes easy to me, but for now it’s just pray they don’t figure it out.

#51

We have nicknames for many of our students, and we use them exclusively when talking about them in the teacher’s lounge.

Some examples: Cat P**s, T**d Burglar, Snaggletooth, B***r Boy, Serial K**ler, and Lice Head.

#52

What I get up to on the weekends.

#53

In college I hooked up with a girl that turned out to be an adult film actress.

#54

If the fact that you are attractive is plainly obvious to everyone, it’s plainly obvious to us, too. But our entire existence owes itself to our never freely admitting this fact.

#55

That I had s*x with the president of the school board on my desk, per her insistence over the course of our year long relationship. It was once. I caved in because she asked so much I felt bad not giving her her moment of kink.

Next day at school, when kids approached my desk I said, from now on, raise your hands and I’ll come to your desk to help you out.

#56

I get really nervous at the beginning of class. I’ll start off the lesson by turning off the lights and putting on videos for them to watch so i can calm my nerves and get my s**t together.

Then I fake confidence and take charge. Then the students just follow my lead.

#57

That I have a massive tattoo on my arm. My kids still haven’t asked why I never wear short sleeves.

#58

I’m not a teacher, but I take pole dancing classes at a studio. One of my classes has three teachers from three different schools in it. They definitely don’t tell their students about it and actively make sure they aren’t in any pictures or social media posts. Teachers are people too! Who like to be active and feel s**y sometimes. Just not around kids.

#59

Not a teacher but I recently had a very sweet 2nd grade teacher & her cop husband pay for my time. If you know what I mean. She was wild.

#60

That I sneak off to the teacher’s lounge and snipe angrily about the problem students with my fellow teachers. Though I’m guessing students already know that much.

#61

I’m an infant/toddler teacher and I feel as if their parents would s**t themselves if they knew how into psychedelics I am… Especially since they all love me.

#62

That at the last staff party we all drank so much homemade tequila, and got so drunk, we all pretty much passed out. Also that I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. That I lecture about how bad d***s are, but I have tried most of them. There are many things I don’t want them to know…..

#63

There are horrible teachers at every school. The entire staff knows it and we feel bad for the kids and parents. Unfortunately, we can’t straight out tell parents to avoid certain teachers.

#64

Kindergarten Teacher …. I don’t want my students to know that I actually don’t like their parents and only be polite and smile and chat because I have to. 🙂 (Okay, most are lovely but some parents are giant pains in my a**e!).

#65

How much I actually get paid.

#66

As an underpaid and overworked grad student, I often used office hours to do my own reading/homework. When I would tell students that they could visit me any time, and that I was always there to help, I secretly counted on them not caring enough. When some would show up, I would be mostly disappointed to lose my reading time…

#67

Unless it’s multiple choice, grading is completely subjective.

True story: roommate was a TA in philosophy. graded a bunch of papers. prof didn’t like the grade distribution, wanted it “a little bit lower.” roommate went through and randomly gave half the students 5 points off. prof was much happier.

#68

I really loath some students. I had a kid that that was so annoying that I wished every well that he wouldn’t show up.

Also parents are stupid. They have no idea what’s best for their kids when it comes to their education. Generally.

#69

I found out a secret about one of my high school. One of our most boring teachers, a guy who taught chemistry, was secretly a stand up comedian who told off-colour jokes in seedy places for years, like strip clubs and such. I found out when I saw him perform at the Silver Dollar in Toronto.

#70

My ex-girlfriend was a teacher. The last thing she wanted them knowing is that her boyfriend (me) was 15 years her junior. The last thing she needed was a bunch of h***y HS boys thinking they had a shot with That Cougar Ms. B.

(Note: I was in my early 30’s, she was in her late 40’s. She wasn’t robbing the cradle.).

#71

Let’s do it together so you learn mean I forgot how to do it.

#72

I let my students slide with attendance despite having a strict policy on my syllabus. I know s**t comes up and they’re adults. They can get the material from a classmate and I post all my slides online anyway.

Edit: this comment blew up way more than I thought it would. I just want to clarify some things: I’m lax about attendance but not to the point where I let my students walk all over me. I’m not going to take points off if they miss a couple of classes over the course of the semester. If they habitually miss it will hurt their participation grade and it’ll hurt their assignment grades because they’re missing important information.
But a professor getting mad that a student misses a couple of classes due to unforeseen circumstances is bull.

Also, in my university (and honestly every university I’ve been to) the professor has full control over their attendance policy and what they consider excused. For example, I let my seniors miss a class to go visit a grad school (or med or law school) or to go on a job interview. Some of my colleagues don’t consider that an excused absence.

#73

I deliver half of my lectures wearing a butt plug.

#74

I teach s****d. It helps me think of ways to engage with my students as they find math boring. Also I just enjoy being high.

#75

I’m a music teacher. It is very obvious that you didn’t practice.

#76

Math professor. I love it when you leave answers blank. Or show very little supporting work. I hate when you write me a huge page explaining your thought process.

#77

How much I care about them.

#78

I’m a substitute teacher. Literally, I sit In a chair and follow directions that are sometimes a single sentence. And sometimes the teacher fails to leave any instruction at all and I have to make up an ENTIRe day worth of work. The reason why I might not address you by name is I’ve been in 3 other classrooms this week alone and I literally can’t remember who is who.

#79

My boyfriend mom is a college professor and I grade her papers that her students wrote.