Some things really are better left unsaid. And what someone does know can actually hurt them. We aren’t saying keep secrets from your partner. But is it really necessary for your worst innermost thoughts to spill out of your mouth like sewage overflowing into the ocean? Especially when those thoughts are history, and no longer apply.
One guy has learned the hard way, after making an “appalling” confession in a packed room after having one too many. He spoke his mind with no holds barred… Telling everyone, including his wife, that he found her “repulsive” the first time they slept together. He doesn’t understand why it’s a big deal so many years later. But his verbal diarhea has now threatened to tank his entire marriage.
Some comments cut like a knife, and there’s no turning back once the damage is done
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For this woman, it was when her husband admitted he was revolted by her the first time they were intimate
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Sometimes it’s okay to keep secrets from your partner, the experts explain why
We are often taught that honesty is the best policy. And that keeping secrets can destroy relationships. But being honest with your significant other does not always mean you have to share every single thought, dream, fear, or fantasy that enters, or once entered, your mind. Sometimes, doing so can result in more harm than good.
According to VeryWellMind, there’s a difference between secrecy and privacy. “Privacy refers to your personal boundaries about your history, thoughts, opinions, and experiences separate from your partner and relationship,” notes the site. “Secrecy, on the other hand, involves something that you are intentionally hiding from your partner.” It adds that while secrecy can be dangerous, everyone is entitled to privacy.
The experts of at Marriage.com agree. “We all have passing thoughts, small frustrations, or private feelings that live in the quiet corners of our minds,” reads that site. “And sometimes, sharing every single one of them does not build intimacy… it chips away at it.”
There is a difference between hiding and choosing peace. Or between silence and secrecy, the Marriage.com team says. Knowing when to stay quiet, out of love, is a skill that not everyone understands, or has mastered. “Love makes room for flaws, but careless comments… can hurt deeply and linger long after they are said,” warns Marriage.com.
It adds that relationship secrets, when they come from a place of care rather than fear, are often just quiet boundaries.
Experts say you should pay attention to how the secret makes you feel. Is it hardly on your mind? Or does it weigh you down and make you sick with guilt? If it’s the latter, it may be time to get it out into the open. But if you’re planning to do so, there are a few things to bear in mind.
Timing is one of them. The VeryWellMind team says there is a time and place to speak to your partner about what’s on your mind. They caution against doing so at bedtime, when one or both of you are moody or if either of you is drunk. You should also avoid the talk during any stressful situations, if either of you is tired or ill, or when your partner is dealing with any other bad news. And you should definitely not raise the issue when you or your significant other are angry.
Which brings us to the next point: intent. Why are you sharing this thought, fantasy, fear, dream or secret? Is it to connect, to heal, or to hurt? “The motivation behind your words matters just as much as the message itself. Sometimes, we speak out of love… sometimes out of frustration,” warns Marriage.com. “Pause and check in with yourself first—it can change everything.”
The site adds that words have weight. “Some truths bring you closer, while others wedge you apart,” it reads.
“If what you want to say might shift the energy in your relationship in a painful direction, ask yourself—is it worth it?”
“100% the worst word”: people rallied around the woman, offering advice and support
The wife thanked netizens for their support and revealed that she’s made a big decision
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Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
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